10 Slightly Weird and Moderately Funny Things My Readers Probably Don’t Know About Me

Originally posted on We Blog about Books

In case anyone wants to know, here are ten things my readers probably don’t know about me. I will try to keep my responses as absurd and as entertaining as possible J

1) Hammocks! Must I say more? Hammocks are a slight obsession of mine. I see one and I’m drawn to it like a dog to an interesting odor. All I want to do is settle down into its soft, swinging comfort for just a moment or two and then…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Don’t believe me? Ask my wife, Adele. When Adele and I were in Mexico last year, we visited a beautiful cenote, which is a freshwater, mostly underground pond/river sort of thing. SOOO beautiful! Sparkling, clear, turquoise water, incredible rock formations, snorkeling, little fishies that nibble the dry skin off your feet for free (not like those $100 day spas), and—

Oh wait! Is that a hammock? *Runs off leaving Adele still snapping photos* Yeah, I saw a hammock at that cenote, and while Adele enjoyed the beautiful water, I napped in comfort and style. In fact, my Goodreads author profile photo is of me in that very hammock, only you can just see my face. Adele snapped the shot just as I opened my eyes from my nap.

2) My love/hate relationship with cats! OK, there isn’t really any hate in the relationship. I love love LOVE cats! Especially kittens. They’re so cute and have unique and hilarious personalities. They like to play and sleep (both things I like to do, too). And yet, my body HATES them. I have bad cat allergies. Adele is a cat lover, too. Everywhere we’ve gone on our two-year trip around the world (we’ve been travelling for 16 months), seems to have cats, and I always fall in love with them. Only problem is, then I have a runny nose and itchy eyes and hives…misery.

But I don’t think I’ll ever learn, so I just keep on keeping on, popping allergy pills like vitamins and hoping that one day I’ll outgrow my allergy.

3) I cried during Armageddon! And Titanic and Stepmom and a whole bunch of other emotional movies. I’m not afraid to admit it: I’m a Sad Movie Cryer! Perhaps I shouldn’t be admitting it. Perhaps you’ll think less of me. Perhaps it’s a blight on my manhood. But I don’t care! I like sad movies and I like when my cheeks are stained with salt when they’re over. And oh my gosh, when Bruce Willis is talking to Liv Tyler on the screen just before he blows himself up to save the world…how could you not cry?!

4) Spelling Bee Champion! Okay, okay, it’s not like I ended up on that National Spelling Bee competition they have on ESPN every year with the kids that whisper into their palms and ask for “language of origin, please”. But I did win a few at my elementary school! I pride myself on my spelling ability and hate when I’m defeated by spell check. (Note: if you catch a spelling error in this post, blame my speedy and somewhat reckless typing, not my spelling.)

5) I should’ve been born in Canada! In reality, I was born in El Paso, Texas, very close to the border of Mexico. Hot sands, scorched earth, cacti. And yet, after my family moved to Pittsburgh when I was very little, I became obsessed with hockey. I love all kinds of hockey, ice and roller and floor. I love watching as much as I love playing. The Pittsburgh Penguins are my team of choice and it was such a thrill to watch them win the Stanley Cup just before I left the U.S. to move to Australia! So yes, I think I should have been born in Canada.

6) Shower acoustics! I am such a good singer…in the shower. When the slight tingy echo takes my deep, narrow range and amplifies it, I almost consider trying out for American Idol. And then the moment I step out of that warm cubicle, it all falls apart. So I’ll keep singing in the shower daily, but you won’t see me at an open mic night anytime soon.

7) Young at heart! Although I’m 32 now, I seem to relate much better to kids than adults, which is perhaps why I write Young Adult and Children’s fiction. Whenever Adele and I visit family, I usually end up spending more time with their kids than with them. Imagination is an important part of my life, and I find kids are more receptive to me using it 24/7!

8) Warm water/cold water! I love warm water! Jacuzzis and hot tubs and bath tubs…ahhhh! I could sit in them all day with a good book, until I’m beyond the point of pruniness. While Adele is swimming laps in the pool, I’ll undoubtedly be in the hot tub.

Cold water? Brrrrrr! No thanks. I hate it with a passion. Even water that most people wouldn’t probably consider cold is freezing to me. So keep it above 90 degrees Fahrenheit, thank you very much. NOTE: if I am forced to swim in cold water, I prefer to jump right in and get it over with. A slow and steady walk into the water will only send me running back to my towel before it even gets to my knees.

9) Paper or plastic? My first job was a bagger at a grocery store called Shop ’n Save. Me and my bagger friends prided ourselves on our ability to bag efficiently and with “like items” in the same bags. Nothing heavy near bread or eggs. Frozen items together. Don’t make the customer wait long after they’ve paid. But our favorite duty was cart patrol, collecting carts from the cart returns, stringing them together and pushing a mile-long train of carts back to the front without dinging up any cars in the parking lot. Now they use those machines that push the carts for them. Cheaters!

And my most feared announcement over the speaker system: “Clean up in Aisle 8!” Yeah, it was always the pasta sauce or pickles or eggs. Something smelly.

10) The dry author! I’ve never, not once, had a sip of an alcoholic beverage. How I made it through four years at Penn State for college and three years working in Australia is a wonder. I’m not particularly religious, but it’s a lifestyle choice I made a long time ago, and I’m sticking with it. So though I may never experience a real hangover, I get book hangovers all the time, from staying up until the wee hours of the morning finishing a great book.

Whew! I felt like I was baring my soul! Okay, maybe that’s a bit melodramatic, but it was somewhat intense sharing all these random things about me. I hope you all enjoyed it and learned a few things about me you didn’t know before.

HAPPY READING!
 

The David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World

Originally posted on Trips Down Imagination Road

Hmmm…whatcha gonna do IF:

-zombies start charging down the street, groaning and lurching and moaning “braaaaiiinnns!”…

-an impending meteor strike forces a small surviving population into dark and terrifying underground caves under the evil rule of an oppressive leader…

-aliens secretly infiltrate all aspects of our lives, taking over our minds, forcing us to bend to their will…

-the worst parts of the Bible come true and angels descend from heaven and destroy all the sinners from off the face of the earth…

…wellllllll….

…I’m probably going to be the first one to run the other way, screaming like a ten-year-old girl and wetting my pants. Sorry, just had to keep things real. However *raises a finger in the air*, I am reasonably good at keeping the main characters in my dystopian novels (7 dystopian novels in the young-adult category) alive (although my record isn’t 100%), so I guess I’m somewhat of an authority on surviving in a dystopian world, even if I probably wouldn’t be able to myself.

So, for better or worse, if you find yourself in any of the above situations, or countless others that cannot possibly be predicted, be sure to have a well-worn folded up copy of David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World! Here goes!

David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World

1. Don’t trust your parents. Half the time they’ll be “in on it,” or brainwashed, or a robot, or even an alien. And if they’re not any of those things, then they’ll probably end up dying and turning into a zombie anyway. So do yourself a favor and lose the ’rents as soon as possible.

2. Avoid cults. THEY ARE BAD. I know it will sound like a good idea to join with a group of people, but only do so if it’s clear they’re not worshipping some mysterious power that requires mass-suicide or blood oaths or anything else that forces you to pledge your life to something you can’t really see or understand. Trust me, CULTS ARE OUT.

3. Don’t drink the water. Not unless you’ve boiled it or know exactly where it came from. There’s a good chance you’ll get very sick, like when Adele and Tawni from my book, The Star Dwellers (sequel to The Moon Dwellers), caught the bat flu from drinking bat-feces-infested water by accident. It wasn’t bad other than the fevered hallucinations that almost made Adele kill Tawni.

4. Crying is for crybabies. Sorry, not sure where I was going with this one. Take it or leave it.

5. You’re allowed to flirt, but only after there’s a lull in the action. If someone’s trying to kill you or the hot guy/girl you’re looking to flirt with, save your one-liners until you’ve killed the would-be murderer and found safe refuge in an abandoned house or building or cave.

6. Jokes should be used as often as possible. You live in a dark, dark dystopian world, so laughter might be the only thing good left in it. Crack a joke, make someone laugh, laugh a little yourself. Your survival will depend on your ability to not get too depressed.

7. Do not eat other humans. Your mental health is just as important as your physical. If you start eating people, you’ll go crazy eventually.

8. Have a pet as your best friend. People best friends are good, but not particularly reliable. A dog or cat or monkey or horse (like Sadie from Water & Storm Country) (or even a cactus, like Siena in Fire Country) is much better. Pets don’t let you down (usually). They’ll keep you sane and keep you company. They might even save your life.

9. The evil government is NOT going to go away on its own (at least probably not). Let’s face it, you’re going to have to lead (or at least participate in) a rebellion, so don’t fight it. Embrace it! Enjoy fighting the forces of oppression! Hey, you could even volunteer for a suicidal mission to assassinate a mass-murdering dictator! Wouldn’t that be fun?

10. Expect your friends and family members to die, and get over it. Sorry, this is a really sad one. But in dystopian worlds, people die, and they’re usually the ones you like. So be prepared for it and do your best to move on and honor the ones you love by SURVIVING. They’ll be looking down and cheering for you from a better place.

11. Don’t trust those nice, generous people in the cute little house that smells like dead bodies. They’re not going to feed you…they’re going to EAT YOU.

12. If you have a chance to shoot the bad guy/gal, do it. There’s no place for gun control or being all high-and-mighty in a dystopian world. End the baddies and you’ll protect the goodies.

13. Whatever you do, don’t fall for the alien/cyborg/angel or whoever it is that’s taking over the world. Believe me, you’re better off alone, no matter how smart and sexy the enemy is.

14. The leaders are bad. All of them. Whether they’re leaders of the evil government or of the well-intending rebellion, in the end they’re all seeking to control the population. Don’t let them.

Those 14 are off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are many many more! I’d love to see what other survival tips you all can come up with for surviving a dystopian world! Post them below!!

I hope you all remember to print these tips and keep them on your person at all times (just in case today’s the apocalypse) and that one day they save your life! And if dystopia does come to the real world early, I’d appreciate if one of you capable survivors would come and find me (and preferably protect me with a shotgun in one hand and a katana in the other)!
 

Indie Author Advice Series #4- Become an Indie Author and Get Rich Quick!

The following was originally posted on author A.B. Whelan’s blog.

The statement above is a lie, I have to admit. I only used it to get your attention. By rich I really mean relatively poor. And by quick I mean in ten to twenty years if you’re lucky, talented and a hard worker. So why am I being so negative? I’m not really, just being realistic and trying to set the many aspiring Indie writers’ expectations appropriately. Why? Because more and more people are telling me that they wrote a book and self-published in hopes of making some quick cash, becoming a bestseller, and quitting their day job. I’m not here to shatter those dreams, but I do want to put things into perspective. I’m also here to shed a little light on the question: Why is it so hard to get people to buy self-published books? And along with that, hopefully give a few tips on what I’ve done to overcome that challenge. Keep in mind, although my success has been moderate as an Indie author, everyone has a different style and what works for me may not work for you. You have to find your own niche.

Did I have big dreams when I first starting writing and publishing? You betcha! I had “bestseller” bouncing around in my head, dreams of being well known across the industry, of finding a publisher with my first novel, of quitting my job and becoming a career author! Well, three years later I’m a fulltime author, but none of the other dreams have yet to come to pass. But I’m not giving up, because I’ve gained a lot of perspective and really had time to think about why I write in the first place. It’s not for the possibility of riches or of a publishing contract or of book signings or fame or glory…no, it’s simply because I love it! I’d encourage anyone else who’s thinking about writing a book, already writing one, or having already published one, to ask yourself the same question. If your answer is anything other than you love writing, maybe you’re on the wrong track.

So you’ve written and published a book, woohoo! Success! Right? My answer is a resounding YES! You should be extremely happy, writing a novel is challenging and doing so should be considered a HUGE victory. Even if you don’t sell a single copy, you should be proud. If I sell 10 of my books and you only sell 5 of yours, does that mean mine’s better? Maybe, but not necessarily. It simply means I’ve had more success overcoming the stigma that Indie novels have. Namely, that they’re poorly edited crap that isn’t worth the $0.99 or $2.99 or whatever you pay for it. On that note, why is getting people to buy self-published novels so difficult? Here are my thoughts and solutions:

1. Problem: Editing! Everyone finds typos in novels, even big published ones. Some people roll their eyes, some people laugh and joke, others barely notice or ignore it and move on. But most published novels have few, less than a handful in a 300-400 page book. Indie novels, on the other hand, yikes! I’ve read a few that have had in the 50-100 range, sometimes more! That can be excruciatingly painful for a reader. So anytime someone picks up a self-published book somehow, somewhere, begins reading it, and finds tons of typos, there’s a good chance it’ll hurt every Indie author. Because that person’s going to say “Hmm, self-published books are poorly edited. I don’t know if I’ll read anymore.” We all suffer even though you had nothing to do with that book!

Solution: Firstly, edit edit edit…and then edit some more. Have friends read your books and give prizes for finding the most typos. Have friends of friends read them. Hire a professional copyeditor if you can afford it. Read it ten times yourself. Find every last bugger. Do us all a favor and help erase the stigma. Because when someone reads a typo-free self-published novel, they’ll say, “Wow, this had less typos than that big bestselling published book I just read!” And they’ll realize, there’s more out there than just books from the big publishing houses, so much more.

Am I just talking about typos here? Although that’s a huge part, no! There’s so much more to editing. Cleaning up dialogue, reading it out loud, thinking “would someone really say that?” Killing excessive use of adverbs, sentence structure, pacing, the list goes on and on. Edit your book to death until no one can tell it’s a self-published novel. When people start reading your book, they’ll respect you, they’ll appreciate your effort, and they’ll be much more likely to tell other people about it as well as buy your next one.

Secondly, giveaway free copies of your book! I know, I know, you’ve worked so hard and you deserve to be compensated. You just have to bite the bullet on this one. The only way to ensure people will read your book and appreciate all your hard work and your talent and the painstaking time you took to edit your novel, is to force them to read it. And if you offer it for free, it will greatly increase your chances that they will. If you giveaway ebooks it won’t cost you a thing. Maybe they’ll write you a stellar review, maybe they’ll tell a friend, maybe they’ll buy the next one. Every book you giveaway has the potential to result in real sales later on.

2. Problem: The plots of Indie novels don’t make sense! This can definitely be true sometimes. Hell, my first drafts usually have all kinds of problems! Unfortunately, many times the bugs don’t get worked out, because, well, us Indies don’t have a team of eagle-eyed editors to point out the flaws in our stories. But that’s no excuse, because it’s killing our ability to be taken seriously in the industry.

Solution: Use beta readers. Not just anyone, good ones! People you don’t know, or don’t know well. Honest people. People who would rather make you cry than let you publish something that’s not as good as it can be. People who care about your books being awesome. You can have family and friends beta read for you, but they can’t be your only beta readers, because it’s much less likely they’ll be completely honest with you. I recommend having at least ten people, but even five can make a huge difference if they’re very critical and brutally honest. I say ten because I’ve had an instance when my first nine betas had already checked in, I’d rewritten and addressed their comments, and I was just waiting on that tenth reader as a formality. To check the box and say “Yep, I got all your comments covered because the other nine said the same thing!” Guess what? That tenth person saw something that the other nine didn’t see. Something big. Something HUGE. Something that improved the story and set the plot on a path that I never would have planned, that made the series a million, zillion times better! Everyone sees different things, so take every opinion seriously.

3. Problem: There are too many Indies out there! How do I stand out? With the creation of ereaders and ebooks, self-publishing has never been easier. In less than an hour, I could create a book that contains just my name spelled backwards and forwards over and over again, publish it in print and ebook, and make it available worldwide. I swear half the people I see joining the YA book groups I’m a member of on Goodreads are new or aspiring Indie authors. I think it’s fantastic! But at the same time, it makes it hard to get noticed. This is a real problem for serious Indies looking to make a career out of writing.

Solution: Don’t be just another Indie author hawking their wares on the street. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that NO ONE is impressed by Indie authors spamming message boards with rubbish about their books. Become a valuable part of the book community as a READER, not a writer. Show people you care about books, writing yeah, reading more, but NOT SELLING. People will notice and they will respect you, and they might give your books a shot. But if not, who cares? You might make a new lifelong friend in the process.

Don’t compare your books to other bestsellers! Your book might be a cross between The Hunger Games and Lord of the Rings, but don’t say that, please! It’s arrogant and annoying and the few people that fall for it and read your book will hate you for it if they disagree with your bold statement. However, if a major website compares your books to other series, than by all means Facebook and Tweet the links! Just be you! Unique.

The advice from the first point stands here too. If you write well-edited books and giveaway lots of free copies, you’ll start to get noticed, even amongst the crowds.

Be patient! Those who are trying to make quick money will realize how hard and competitive the publishing industry really is and they’ll give up, but if you’re serious and you keep working at it, publishing more and more books, growing your readership slowly over time, you’ll outlast the others. I’m not talking days or months here, I’m talking years. You have to be in it for the long run, looking at success ten years down the road. Every step you take today is a step in the right direction.

4. Problem: Indies can’t handle bad reviews! This is an important and often overlooked stigma. Even I worry about reading Indie novels given to me by the authors, because what if I don’t like it? Can I give my honest feedback? Will I hurt their feelings? Will they get pissed off and write me nasty messages? Sometimes it’s easier just to read the bestsellers because the authors don’t give a crap whether I like their book—there are a million other people who do!

Solution: Don’t react or respond to reviews in a negative fashion whatsoever. Many Indies have gotten themselves into a lot of hot water that way, and once you get a reputation for “reviewer bashing” you’ll never recover. If a review is mean or you think it’s unfair, write it off as bad luck that the wrong person got ahold of your book. Never lash out. If you get a review that’s well-written, balanced, and constructive, read that review ten times over, learn from it, improve from it. Your readers will appreciate that more than you throwing a tantrum.

Wow, I fear I’ve run off the virtual page. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you found my thoughts on the challenges of being a self-published author, and some of my proposed solutions, helpful or at least interesting. I wish you all the best in your writing and publishing endeavors, and remember, never give up!

Happy Reading (and Writing)!

David Estes