Originally posted on Trips Down Imagination Road
Hmmm…whatcha gonna do IF:
-zombies start charging down the
street, groaning and lurching and moaning “braaaaiiinnns!”…
-an impending meteor strike forces a
small surviving population into dark and terrifying underground caves under the
evil rule of an oppressive leader…
-aliens secretly infiltrate all
aspects of our lives, taking over our minds, forcing us to bend to their will…
-the worst parts of the Bible come
true and angels descend from heaven and destroy all the sinners from off the
face of the earth…
…wellllllll….
…I’m probably going to be the first
one to run the other way, screaming like a ten-year-old girl and wetting my
pants. Sorry, just had to keep things real. However *raises a finger in the
air*, I am reasonably good at keeping
the main characters in my dystopian novels (7 dystopian novels in the
young-adult category) alive (although my record isn’t 100%), so I guess I’m
somewhat of an authority on surviving in a dystopian world, even if I probably
wouldn’t be able to myself.
So, for better or worse, if you find
yourself in any of the above situations, or countless others that cannot
possibly be predicted, be sure to have a well-worn folded up copy of David
Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World! Here goes!
David
Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World
1. Don’t trust your parents. Half
the time they’ll be “in on it,” or brainwashed, or a robot, or even an alien.
And if they’re not any of those things, then they’ll probably end up dying and
turning into a zombie anyway. So do yourself a favor and lose the ’rents as
soon as possible.
2. Avoid cults. THEY ARE BAD. I know
it will sound like a good idea to join with a group of people, but only do so
if it’s clear they’re not worshipping some mysterious power that requires
mass-suicide or blood oaths or anything else that forces you to pledge your
life to something you can’t really see or understand. Trust me, CULTS ARE OUT.
3. Don’t drink the water. Not unless
you’ve boiled it or know exactly where it came from. There’s a good chance
you’ll get very sick, like when Adele and Tawni from my book, The Star Dwellers
(sequel to The Moon Dwellers), caught the bat flu from drinking
bat-feces-infested water by accident. It wasn’t bad other than the fevered
hallucinations that almost made Adele kill Tawni.
4. Crying is for crybabies. Sorry,
not sure where I was going with this one. Take it or leave it.
5. You’re allowed to flirt, but only
after there’s a lull in the action. If someone’s trying to kill you or the hot
guy/girl you’re looking to flirt with, save your one-liners until you’ve killed
the would-be murderer and found safe refuge in an abandoned house or building
or cave.
6. Jokes should be used as often as
possible. You live in a dark, dark dystopian world, so laughter might be the
only thing good left in it. Crack a joke, make someone laugh, laugh a little
yourself. Your survival will depend on your ability to not get too depressed.
7. Do not eat other humans. Your
mental health is just as important as your physical. If you start eating
people, you’ll go crazy eventually.
8. Have a pet as your best friend.
People best friends are good, but not particularly reliable. A dog or cat or
monkey or horse (like Sadie from Water & Storm Country) (or even a cactus,
like Siena in Fire Country) is much better. Pets don’t let you down (usually).
They’ll keep you sane and keep you company. They might even save your life.
9. The evil government is NOT going
to go away on its own (at least probably not). Let’s face it, you’re going to
have to lead (or at least participate in) a rebellion, so don’t fight it.
Embrace it! Enjoy fighting the forces of oppression! Hey, you could even
volunteer for a suicidal mission to assassinate a mass-murdering dictator!
Wouldn’t that be fun?
10. Expect your friends and family
members to die, and get over it. Sorry, this is a really sad one. But in
dystopian worlds, people die, and they’re usually the ones you like. So be
prepared for it and do your best to move on and honor the ones you love by
SURVIVING. They’ll be looking down and cheering for you from a better place.
11. Don’t trust those nice, generous
people in the cute little house that smells like dead bodies. They’re not going
to feed you…they’re going to EAT YOU.
12. If you have a chance to shoot
the bad guy/gal, do it. There’s no place for gun control or being all
high-and-mighty in a dystopian world. End the baddies and you’ll protect the
goodies.
13. Whatever you do, don’t fall for
the alien/cyborg/angel or whoever it is that’s taking over the world. Believe
me, you’re better off alone, no matter how smart and sexy the enemy is.
14. The leaders are bad. All of
them. Whether they’re leaders of the evil government or of the well-intending
rebellion, in the end they’re all seeking to control the population. Don’t let
them.
Those 14 are off the top of my head,
but I’m sure there are many many more! I’d love to see what other survival tips
you all can come up with for surviving a dystopian world! Post them below!!
I hope you all remember to print
these tips and keep them on your person at all times (just in case today’s the
apocalypse) and that one day they save your life! And if dystopia does come to
the real world early, I’d appreciate if one of you capable survivors would come
and find me (and preferably protect me with a shotgun in one hand and a katana
in the other)!
