The David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World

Originally posted on Trips Down Imagination Road

Hmmm…whatcha gonna do IF:

-zombies start charging down the street, groaning and lurching and moaning “braaaaiiinnns!”…

-an impending meteor strike forces a small surviving population into dark and terrifying underground caves under the evil rule of an oppressive leader…

-aliens secretly infiltrate all aspects of our lives, taking over our minds, forcing us to bend to their will…

-the worst parts of the Bible come true and angels descend from heaven and destroy all the sinners from off the face of the earth…

…wellllllll….

…I’m probably going to be the first one to run the other way, screaming like a ten-year-old girl and wetting my pants. Sorry, just had to keep things real. However *raises a finger in the air*, I am reasonably good at keeping the main characters in my dystopian novels (7 dystopian novels in the young-adult category) alive (although my record isn’t 100%), so I guess I’m somewhat of an authority on surviving in a dystopian world, even if I probably wouldn’t be able to myself.

So, for better or worse, if you find yourself in any of the above situations, or countless others that cannot possibly be predicted, be sure to have a well-worn folded up copy of David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World! Here goes!

David Estes Guide to Surviving a Dystopian World

1. Don’t trust your parents. Half the time they’ll be “in on it,” or brainwashed, or a robot, or even an alien. And if they’re not any of those things, then they’ll probably end up dying and turning into a zombie anyway. So do yourself a favor and lose the ’rents as soon as possible.

2. Avoid cults. THEY ARE BAD. I know it will sound like a good idea to join with a group of people, but only do so if it’s clear they’re not worshipping some mysterious power that requires mass-suicide or blood oaths or anything else that forces you to pledge your life to something you can’t really see or understand. Trust me, CULTS ARE OUT.

3. Don’t drink the water. Not unless you’ve boiled it or know exactly where it came from. There’s a good chance you’ll get very sick, like when Adele and Tawni from my book, The Star Dwellers (sequel to The Moon Dwellers), caught the bat flu from drinking bat-feces-infested water by accident. It wasn’t bad other than the fevered hallucinations that almost made Adele kill Tawni.

4. Crying is for crybabies. Sorry, not sure where I was going with this one. Take it or leave it.

5. You’re allowed to flirt, but only after there’s a lull in the action. If someone’s trying to kill you or the hot guy/girl you’re looking to flirt with, save your one-liners until you’ve killed the would-be murderer and found safe refuge in an abandoned house or building or cave.

6. Jokes should be used as often as possible. You live in a dark, dark dystopian world, so laughter might be the only thing good left in it. Crack a joke, make someone laugh, laugh a little yourself. Your survival will depend on your ability to not get too depressed.

7. Do not eat other humans. Your mental health is just as important as your physical. If you start eating people, you’ll go crazy eventually.

8. Have a pet as your best friend. People best friends are good, but not particularly reliable. A dog or cat or monkey or horse (like Sadie from Water & Storm Country) (or even a cactus, like Siena in Fire Country) is much better. Pets don’t let you down (usually). They’ll keep you sane and keep you company. They might even save your life.

9. The evil government is NOT going to go away on its own (at least probably not). Let’s face it, you’re going to have to lead (or at least participate in) a rebellion, so don’t fight it. Embrace it! Enjoy fighting the forces of oppression! Hey, you could even volunteer for a suicidal mission to assassinate a mass-murdering dictator! Wouldn’t that be fun?

10. Expect your friends and family members to die, and get over it. Sorry, this is a really sad one. But in dystopian worlds, people die, and they’re usually the ones you like. So be prepared for it and do your best to move on and honor the ones you love by SURVIVING. They’ll be looking down and cheering for you from a better place.

11. Don’t trust those nice, generous people in the cute little house that smells like dead bodies. They’re not going to feed you…they’re going to EAT YOU.

12. If you have a chance to shoot the bad guy/gal, do it. There’s no place for gun control or being all high-and-mighty in a dystopian world. End the baddies and you’ll protect the goodies.

13. Whatever you do, don’t fall for the alien/cyborg/angel or whoever it is that’s taking over the world. Believe me, you’re better off alone, no matter how smart and sexy the enemy is.

14. The leaders are bad. All of them. Whether they’re leaders of the evil government or of the well-intending rebellion, in the end they’re all seeking to control the population. Don’t let them.

Those 14 are off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are many many more! I’d love to see what other survival tips you all can come up with for surviving a dystopian world! Post them below!!

I hope you all remember to print these tips and keep them on your person at all times (just in case today’s the apocalypse) and that one day they save your life! And if dystopia does come to the real world early, I’d appreciate if one of you capable survivors would come and find me (and preferably protect me with a shotgun in one hand and a katana in the other)!